Keisha - Sacred Sensual Healer and
Certified tantra educator
|Posted on March 29, 2011 at 4:07 PM|
When I was quite young and I was just learning about sexuality, I remember that a complaint that women used to have about men is that they were discourteous lovers and they just got on and “did their business” and got off. They didn’t pay attention to whether the woman was having a good experience.
Well, times have changed and so have men. I have witnessed that, in general, today’s man, is a much more sexually thoughtful man. They truly care if the woman they are having sex with is enjoying herself too. They want to please her. They want to make her come.
However, I have noticed that the pendulum has swung in the completely opposite direction. I have often encountered the fact that many men have attached their self esteem, in relation to sex, as to whether or not they make a woman come, rather than being in the moment and just enjoying whatever unfolds. I have experienced that men are often plagued with performance anxiety. They think that they know what they need to do to make the woman happy, and when they don’t perform to the ideal in their head, they feel bad about themselves.
This is what I called goal oriented sex, or performance oriented sex, and it can really ruin what could be a wonderful sensual experience.
I have come to discover that often, when I’m with a man, he has the idea in his head that what will please me is if he can perform sexually the way my co-workers and I perform in my movies. Nothing could be further from the truth. The sex that I have on camera is a formulaic performance sex, designed to stimulate the watcher. But the kind of sex that I have on camera is not the kind of sex I enjoy when I’m off camera.
When I am in private with a man, I like to think of sex as a full body massage that includes the genitals. I like it to start slowly and sensually. One of my favorite things to do is to give a man a wonderful cock massage with my mouth. This is much different than the kinds of blow job that you see on camera, and if I did this type of oral sex on in a movie, it would be boring to watch because it is not obvious from the outside what I am doing with my mouth on the inside.
I touch my warm wet tongue to his cock. I slowly and gently explore his cock with my tongue and I get his cock nice and moist with my mouth. I subtly massage his cock with my tongue. I gently swipe my tongue back and forth across his frenulum, which is a very sensitive part of the cock. I intuitively explore his cock with my mouth. There is no formula for this type of massage, it is all about responding to the moment. I can sense what is pleasurable to his cock in that moment. I pay attention to my tongue, and if it feels pleasurable my tongue, it is highly likely that it is pleasurable to him.
I allow the moment to direct me as to how this gentle cock massage will go. Sometimes it progresses to a more vigorous course of action, either sucking harder, or using both my hand and mouth in an up and down motion to give greater stimulation. And sometimes it stays soft, subtle and quiet and the man floats in a state of orgasmic pleasure. Some times it ends in orgasm, some times it does not. Sometimes it leads to sex, sometimes it does not.
What is important is that we both stay in the moment, let go of any preconceived ideas of where this should lead and enjoy the pleasure that we are giving each other in each moment.
Like I said earlier, often men will have their sexual self esteem connected to a preconceived goal in their head, which is usually that they want to give a woman an orgasm - and in this case I’m talking specifically about me. I have found that because of this desire to give pleasure, men sometimes have a hard time just laying back and being a good receiver. Well, I’m here to tell you that you are naked in bed with me, it is totally ok, to relax and allow yourself to be a good receiver for some of the time we are together. I get a lot of pleasure out of giving you pleasure. So when you relax and allow yourself to be a good receiver, you are also giving me pleasure.
Once I was with a lovely man and I was giving him one of my wonderful cock massages with my mouth. He was having a wonderful time, writhing in an orgasmic state. The energy passing between us was wonderful. And then he expressed that he was disappointed because he really wanted to make me happy sexually, and he felt like he was failing to please me because we weren’t having sex like I have in the movies.
I was so heartbroken for him. Here we were in the moment having an absolutely wonderful time. The last thing I wanted in that moment was to perform sex like I do in the movies. The warmth and sensuality that we were sharing with each other was absolutely exquisite. I wanted for nothing more than what arose between us in the moment. I felt that the evening was perfect and I was completely happy, satisfied and content. I felt so bad that he was criticizing himself for not performing for me the way that he thought I wanted.
So my lovely dear men, I invite you to let go of your preconceived ideas of what you think will please a woman, and focus on the experience in front of you. Allow it to unfold organically and just do what feels good in the moment.
I invite you to let go of goal and performance oriented sex. Goal and performance oriented sex often leads to performance anxiety, which leads to an inability to perform. I think that it is wonderful that you want to please the woman you are with. But let go of your preconceived ideas of what that should look like and pay attention to how she is responding in the moment. Pay attention to her sounds. If she is making sounds of pleasure, then do more of that. If she is not making pleasure sounds then maybe try something different.
Start with slow subtle touch and just see where it goes. Sometimes it will end up in really hot sex that resembles what you see in the movies. But sometimes you can give each other amazing pleasure to each other in a softer, more subtle way. I believe that most people on the planet completely underestimate the exquisite pleasure that can be derived from soft subtle touch. You never see this type of sexuality on camera, because, frankly, it would be very boring to watch. What feels good, doesn’t necessarily translate to being stimulating to watch, and what looks great on camera and very stimulating to watch, often is not what feels good in private.
Also, I feel it is important to share that when I am with a man, I am not comparing him to any other man. The two of us are creating a unique sensual experience that only the two of us will share, and it is going to be completely different than any other experience that I have created with any other person. So there is no reason to feel that you have to perform like the men that you have imagined that I’ve been with, or the men that you’ve seen me on camera with and are comparing yourself and your performance to.
I truly don’t want you to perform. I want you to relax and allow us to create a unique sensual, sexual experience that will not be compared to any other, it is unique to us. We can focus on bringing each other pleasure in the way that unfolds for us in the moment. And that may not look like any thing you have experienced before, and it may not look like what you have seen in the movies. What is important is having a energetic sensual connection and responding to the moment and doing what makes us feel good in that moment. Each time we are with each other, it will be a unique expression of sexuality, not to be compared to anything else.
Lots of Lust,
Categories: Sex Education For Grown Ups